Planning Your Happy Retirement

Marriage

 

Transitioning from being “married as working people” to “married as retired people” can take a bit of strategy and flexibility.  This article addresses ways to navigate this transition with understanding and success.

 

Marriage in Retirement

Being married in retirement is quite a bit different than being single in retirement.  Studies show that the benefits to being married in one’s later years are significant, with married people living longer and expressing greater quality of life.  But it does take some work.

Single retirees get to make decisions for themselves and their lives, and don’t have to run the ideas by others.  Singles don’t have to factor in the wishes of a spouse as they plan out their time and goals.  Singles don’t have to compromise.

Married retirees do.

To be effectively married during retirement requires effort, compromise, communication and compassion, but remember, the benefits are worth the work it takes.

You might be thinking that the above list (effort, compromise, communication, and compassion) sounds a lot like what your marriage has required even before retirement, and you would be right.  All good marriages include these elements, but marriage in retirement requires them in an elevated way.

 

Don’t just go for the win

My husband and I initially had very different ideas of what retirement would look like for us.  He shared his bachelor-days idea of hitting the seas in a vintage Morgan Out-Islander 51 sailboat, cruising along the edge waters of our country and our continent.  He even talked about earlier thoughts of being permanently residence-free, and becoming a blissful vagabond.

I, however, had envisioned downsizing to a darling little cottage with rampant wildflowers and a tidy vegetable garden in a well-chosen sunny spot.  I pictured welcoming our grandchildren for picnics on the knoll and splashes in the creek that babbled nearby in my made-up scenario.  I even pictured a shaggy pony grazing leisurely under some cottonwood trees.

Obviously, Tom and I had great distance between what he once looked forward to in retirement and what I did.  What we needed was a compromise.

Fortunately for me, Tom’s vision of retirement was a fleeting one left over from his bachelor days, so it wasn’t that hard to begin a discussion to get him to move toward a vision more like mine.  Even he admitted that to sail away from our current life and leave behind kids and grandkids would not have made much sense.  That allowed me to victoriously dig in my heels and not budge a bit from my position.  But where was the compromise in that?

I am a huge proponent of seeking win-win outcomes when dealing with others, whether it be a spouse or anyone else.  For me to have gotten my way without including any of Tom’s wishes would have been nothing short of selfish on my part.   Plus, it is so much more gratifying to achieve a win-win, instead of just a win.

Tom and I engaged in creating a shared vision for retirement that includes my desire for a pastoral, provincial life but also his desire for us to break away regularly for exciting excursions, both by land and by sea.  Because of our planned travels, I may not ever get that shaggy pony, but his satisfaction and mine in our shared life is well worth that sacrifice.

I encourage all retiring couples to start the dialogue about what each person envisions for their life in retirement, and to seek that win-win compromise.  Included in this discussion should be the subject matters of type of housing, location, lifestyle, and recreation.

 

The big C – Communication

A win-win outcome by retired couples is best achieved through healthy communication.   Many of you will perhaps roll your eyes or heave a sigh at the thought of achieving good communication with your spouse.  Maybe you are a pondering introvert who doesn’t do well expressing yourself, or maybe you are a quick-thinking extrovert who tends to steamroll your way to a victory in every argument.  Either way, you and your spouse can achieve healthy communication patterns that will enhance your retirement experience ten-fold.  Just remember to seek that win-win outcome, and success can be within reach.

Retirement often acts like a great magnifying glass to communication in marriage; it enlarges and makes apparent what already was.  For example, couples who have had healthy communication and respectful problem-solving skills in their earlier years will likely continue those trends to an even greater degree in retirement.  Conversely, those couples who have struggled with angry flare-ups or stonewalling shut-downs will likely see even more of these outcomes once retired. [Price, 2003]  The good news for struggling couples is that retirement is a great time to work on improving a marriage, and the couples who bother to strive for improved communication report higher levels of satisfaction in marriage than those who do not.

Something to keep in mind is that conflicts and roadblocks will come along, regardless of whether one has good communication or not.  These set-backs are manageable, however, for those in a marriage that is well-equipped with good communication to work through them together, more so than those who continue in their dysfunction as they deal with whatever life throws their way.  Remember that a conflict between spouses is the enemy to be slain, not each other.  So join forces and slay the true enemy, which is the problem at hand, while caring for and respecting each other along the way.

I encourage all communication-challenged retirees to equip themselves with new and improved communication and relationship skills which can be learned through good self-help books, counseling sessions with an effective marriage therapist, or honest talks with each other about what each spouse needs for their well-being.  Expending energy toward good communication and a win-win outcome reaps big returns and brings ease to a marriage.

 

Roles redefined and re-aligned

One of the biggest challenges that couples face in retirement is role change. Prior to retirement, a couple has typically settled into a routine of who does what, and when.  She may do all the laundry and he may do all the yardwork (or vice versa), but what about during retirement?  Will that continue to be the expectation, or has it changed?

It is oh-so-important to talk about the changing roles in retirement, using one’s best communication skills, of course. One spouse might look forward to retirement because they think that they will finally get extra help with the laundry, but that idea might never ever cross the mind of the other spouse.  Truly, it is the unspoken expectations and resulting hurt feelings and resentment that can undermine a marriage.  Unfortunately, all this tends to occur just as the couple is beginning to spend a lot of time together.

I recommend the following task for all couples at the start of their retirement:  to “draft” their list of chores that they will be responsible for during the foreseeable future.   Yep, just like a mock football draft, in alternating fashion, each person claims their fair share of chores that they will now be responsible for.  Simply start with a single, long list of all the chores, tasks, and duties that are required around the home, then cross them off, one by one, as each person “drafts” their duties.  A husband might solicit all the standard trash duties, and his wife might draft scooping the litter box and taking it to the outside trash can every other day.  She may claim the breakfast and lunch dish duties, as he calls for the dinner dish duty.  Additionally, some chores can be agreed to be taken on together in equal measure.  The whole event could be made fun, with selections being cheered about, and lost opportunities bemoaned in melodramatic fashion.

 

Avoiding a “mish-mash mess”

While role-redefinition brings its unique set of challenges, so too does re-defining one’s level of togetherness.  During the working years, work typically limits the time a couple can spend together to snippets in the mornings, a couple of hours in the evenings, then extended time on the weekends.   Extra time in retirement, though, opens up all kinds of possibilities to be in each other’s faces and spaces.  Time together in retirement is essential and can be an enjoyable thing, or it can be a detriment to the relationship.

I know of a couple, Mark and Sue, who both worked outside the home throughout their entire 45 year careers until retirement.  They adored each other and couldn’t wait to be together all the time in retirement.  It wasn’t so cute, however, when Mark couldn’t seem to let Sue out of his sight, even tagging along when she went to meet her girlfriends for lunch.  His actions were not rooted in jealousy, but in an inability or unwillingness to fend for himself while his wife was gone.  It seems he needed to be the focus of her world at all times.  Sue thought Mark’s neediness was tolerable and even endearing at first, but his enmeshment with Sue wore on her and her health began to decline earlier than anticipated.

Sue would likely have done well if she had been granted time to be an individual and had the freedom to take care of her personal needs and wants, instead of just being present to take care of Mark’s emotional and physical neediness.  Mark’s inability to “self-soothe” and enjoy activities on his own diminished the quality of their marriage and likely lead to its early and sad demise upon Sue’s death.

Breathing room between members of a couple is essential to the vitality of a marriage. I encourage couples in retirement to break free of being entirely mashed together and to maintain individuality, of course in ways that are entirely respectful to the marriage.  Each spouse should have things that they enjoy doing with each other, but also 3 or so activities or hobbies that they enjoy doing on their own.  Married retirees who spend time apart avoid the pitfall of “familiarity breeds contempt,” and the spouses say that there is something quite invigorating about coming home at the end of an individual activity and sharing with one’s spouse all about it.

A word of caution:  When choosing individual, independent activities, be careful not to over-engage in those as well.  Enmeshing oneself with too many volunteer activities, going to the gym several hours each day, over committing to charitable events, or spending excessive time with friends and not enough time with one’s spouse is essentially the flip side of the same coin as becoming too enmeshed with one’s spouse.  Balance is the key here, and when the right balance is struck, life is good for all.

 

Boundary building – a must

A final area of marriage in retirement that I will address here is the topic of establishing boundaries with others.  It is essential to figure out what you and your spouse want your boundaries to be, and then to let those boundaries be known to those that are affected by them.  If you dodge this important task, others will try to define your boundaries for you according to their own whims.

Boundary-setting is important in several areas of retirement, including how much time to spend with others, and if and when to extend your finances to an adult child who asks.  But one essential type involves your adult children who have children of their own.  Yes, I know, we are now speaking about your grandchildren, so anything goes, right?  Wrong.  To make sure your relationship with your kids and grandkids stays warm and loving, you need to take time to consider what level of engagement works for you and for them.  If you expect them to have you over for dinner 3 nights a week, you are probably breaking their boundaries and their need of personal family space. But if they feel like they can ask you to babysit whenever they spontaneously feel like a night out, your boundaries may be broken due to their assumptions that you are always ready, willing, and able to care for their little ones.

My friend Michelle offered to watch her toddler granddaughter every Tuesday so her daughter could run errands in peace without having to worry about her usual mommy duties.  The clarity of this boundary worked well, and Michelle loved her Tuesdays with little Sienna.  From this, Michelle learned the value of offering her help, but with limits in place that benefited everyone.

Michelle had more to learn about boundaries, though.  Without even knowing exactly how it happened, she found herself over time watching the little girl 3 days a week, which then became five long days a week when the adult daughter decided to go back to school to complete her bachelor’s degree.  Michelle’s offer and boundary to help out on Tuesdays at some point had become ignored.  She found herself exhausted and inwardly angry toward her daughter, and admitted to me that the toddler she once loved so unconditionally, had now become a source of resentment for her.

This example shows that boundary-setting is a good thing, but that boundary-defending is also vital to the equation.  Remember, if you don’t define and re-assert your boundaries as needed, the whims of others will define them for you.  Fortunately, gentle but firm reminders of one’s boundaries along the way usually thwart the error of others to blow past a person’s once-stated boundary.

Deciding well in advance what you want your boundaries to be can help you handle a delicate situation whenever it does arise.  My husband and I decided when our children were still in their early and mid-twenties what our boundaries with them would look like.  We decided on the following:  We would host Sunday family dinners where all were invited; we would offer babysitting services once a week during the day and twice a month in the evenings; and we would take any and all grandkids for a full week in the summer for “Opo and Oma’s Summer Camp Spectacular,” complete with teepee building, campfire cooking, and stories of days gone by.  Can we be flexible with the boundaries when little emergencies or special events come up?  Yes, of course, but identifying the boundaries, communicating them with others, and holding true to them most all the time allows us to be fair to our marriage, our kids, and our grandchildren.

Keep in mind:  Establishing functional boundaries is easier said than done, but it is easier done than not done.

I encourage you to consider for yourself what the boundaries are that you wish to establish regarding your adult children and grandchildren.  The boundaries Tom and I set for ourselves are likely not the ones you will want for yourselves.  So take some time to ponder the matter with your spouse, then write them down and communicate them with those who need to know.   And be prepared to re-state and defend your boundaries as needed in order to preserve the well-being of you, your marriage, and your relationship with your family.

 

In conclusion:  A marriage in retirement takes effort in order to develop role definition, cultivate healthy communication, avoid enmeshment, and establish boundaries, but the pay-off of happiness and satisfaction is worth it!  Answer the following questions to move yourself ahead in your preparedness for a happy retirement.

 

Questions to ask yourself about marriage during retirement:

How do I rate my communication with my spouse?  What might I do better?

Do I seek to win, even if it means my spouse loses?  How can I seek a win-win so we both thrive in retirement?

What chores am I willing to assume?  Am I reliable in following through on my promises to complete these chores?

What activities do I like to do with my spouse?  Which ones do I like to do on my own?

Have I discussed boundaries with my spouse?  What are our boundaries?  Have we communicated them to the people that they affect?  How was it received?  Am I prepared to defend my boundaries as needed?

 

Please share any thoughts or ideas you have about achieving a successful marriage in retirement in the comments section on this page.